


Ah! My Sothis

by mitspeiler



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: AU, Comedy, Gen, what if
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2020-10-13 19:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20587454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitspeiler/pseuds/mitspeiler
Summary: Shortly after rescuing the three house lords at Remire Village, Byleth discovers that Sothis is more than just a voice in his head, or even a ghost. She can actually manifest physically in the real world, though only for a short while.  How that will impact the course of history, only the fates may know...





	1. Keroberos

Remire Village had been tense battle, but nothing Byleth hadn’t seen before. The three royal children— well two royals and a noble— had been unique. And so, of course, had been the apparition that had saved him from death. The green haired girl on the throne, who had rewound the hands of time to save him from a fatal injury. He might have thought she was a hallucination if he hadn’t experienced the bitter cold steel of the axe biting into his flesh, or the strange, almost painful sensation of being jerked backward through time, retracing his steps moment by moment until he had enough time to make a different decision.

She was definitely real.

And when he woke up, she was snuggled against him, grasping his arm, snoring into his ear.

He yelped, grabbing the dagger he kept under his pillow and leaping up to stand with enough violence to make her roll off the bedroll and onto the bare ground.

“What are you doing here?” he grumbled, gripping the dagger tight. He’d been thinking she was a ghost or spiritual entity and now here she was in the flesh, snoring.

The girl grumbled, eyelashes fluttering open. She glared up at him. “How dare you interrupt my sleep again! And by throwing me onto the—” she seemed to suddenly become aware of her surroundings. Her eyes widened as she noted the walls were not an infinite expanse of black, but rather rough green canvas through which the light of dawn was just starting to trickle. She clenched her hand and seemed to startle at the soil crumbling under her fingertips.

“I’m out in the world again,” she muttered.

“Care to explain?” asked Byleth.

She ignored him and proceeded to stand up...or rather she tried to. Try as she might, she couldn’t seem to get her legs to bear her weight and kept fumbling and falling. “Are you sick?” he asked. “You look like a baby gazelle.”

“Shut up,” she snapped. “If I look sick then help me to my feet. Where’s your compassion? I saved your life after all.” She stretched out her hand with an imperious look. He took it and hauled her to her feet, and she yelped again, swaying and struggling to stand.

“Baby gazelle might be right,” she muttered, “I don’t think I’ve had a physical body in a long time.”

“How long?” asked Byleth.

“You never ask a lady her age,” she snapped, waggling her finger at him.

“Maybe you are a lady,” he said. “You seem to have a lot in common with the white haired princess. But you can’t be older than me, and I doubt we’re the same age.”

She puffed out her cheeks. “Are you implying that I look like a child again?!” 

Just then Jeralt poked his head in through the tent flap and called out. “Is everything alright in here?”   
The girl lost her concentration and fell against Byleth’s chest— well, she was short enough that she only just barely cleared his stomach— and instinctively threw her arms around his waist. At the same time he steadied her with his hands on her shoulders.

Jeralt raised an eyebrow and slowly a smile crept up his face. “Ahh, a grateful village maiden. You should’ve hung a sock up from the tentpole, it’s what the lads always do—”

“Shut up dad,” said Byleth. “Shut up and get in here, quick, before anyone sees.” He gestures down at her green head with a finger. “This is my dream girl.”

“I see you’re already serious about her—”

“No,” Byleth cut him off. Through clenched teeth, he said “she’s my  _ dream _ girl. From my  _ dreams. _ ”

“My my, you  _ are  _ serious about me,” said the girl. He let her go and stepped aside, allowing her to fall across the bedroll. “Oof! How dare you?!” She shouted as she struggled to roll over. Eventually she managed to turn around to face them while lying on her side, at the cost of tangling herself up in the blanket. She rested her head in her hand and affected a casual air, as if it had been on purpose.

“Anyway,” said Byleth, ignoring her, “you understand what I meant when I put that weird emphasis on dream right?”

Jeralt rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I understood. How is she here?”

The girl shrugged. “I’m not entirely sure myself. It might have something to do with how I’ve been getting more wakeful lately. Perhaps that exercise of my power last night was enough to break me free of whatever was keeping me in that empty world.”

“What does she mean by her power?” asked Jeralt.

Before Byleth could answer, the girl coughed. “ _ She  _ is right here you know. And she has a name.” She held out her hand, fingers pointing down, as if demanding it be kissed. “I am Sothis. You are charmed I’m sure.”

The color drained out of Jeralt’s face. Sothis’s hand went unkissed. “Are you serious?” he muttered.

Sothis furrowed her brow. “Of course I’m serious. Why would I joke about my own name?”

Jeralt was stunned and sweating, so Byleth snapped his fingers in front of his face. “Wake up old man. Finally going senile?”

Jeralt inhaled deeply, then breathed out. “Fuck,” he muttered.

“Fuck?” Sothis repeated.

“Don’t teach her swears,” warned Byleth. 

“Listen kid,” said Jeralt. He shook his head. “I mean listen kids—”

“I’m older than you,” Sothis muttered. She blinked. “Why do I know that…?”

Jeralt cleared his throat. “ _ Listen. _ Sothis is kind of a taboo name, so you can’t go repeating it where people can hear.”

Sothis’s eyebrows tried to escape into her hairline as her jaw almost fell to the floor. Her hair seemed to actually puff up like an aggravated bird’s down. In short, she was scandalized. She sucked in a long breath as if she were about to let out an angry spiel, but Jeralt interrupted her.

“Listen. It’s taboo because it’s the name of the goddess of the Church of Seiros,” he explained quickly.

Sothis visibly deflated and Byleth rolled his eyes. “Must’ve really hurt to give us that information, huh?”

“Shut up kid,” said Jeralt.

“Fuck,” muttered Sothis, “am I a goddess?”

“I don’t know, but don’t go saying that around camp,” Jeralt warned, pointing at Sothis.

“Yeah, there’s kids here now,” said Byleth. “We can’t risk getting in trouble with the church for teaching them swears.” 

“Very well then!” said Sothis, purposefully cutting him off. She seemed to have regained more of her motor function and began untangling herself from the blanket. “You may call me...Keroberos. That was an alias I used before...I think...urgh!” she had failed to extract herself. “Can you two  _ gigantic  _ men help me out already?”

Byleth grabbed hold of one end of the blanket and tugged hard, rolling Sothis across the floor. She angrily got to her feet, knees shaking. “Once I regain the muscles in my legs it’s over for you,” she threatened.

“Hey dad,” said Byleth, “is it just me or are her legs like, unusually long for her torso?” 

“I’m going to steal your teeth in your sleep,” growled Sothis.

And then, with a pop, she disappeared.

“Problem solved,” said Byleth. Then he felt an intense pressure in his head, like a clawed hand squeezing his brain.

_ “What’s that supposed to mean?”  _ Demanded the voice of Sothis. He heard her voice inside his head. Indeed, he could perceive her in his mind’s eye, but he knew she wasn’t there physically, like how one knows a vivid daydream isn’t really there.

“Ow. Ow. Ow.  _ Stop it. _ ” The pressure decreased. “I didn’t know you could do that. And what I mean is that you’re back in your realm, so—”

_ “I am increasingly certain that my ‘realm’ is literally your  _ head _ ,”  _ She scoffed.  _ “Do you really think that’s a problem solved? I don’t want to share headspace with you.” _

“Fine, that’s a problem,” he said. “I don’t want you squeezing my brain when you get upset because then we’ll both die. Come on out already.”

He was speaking out loud for the sake of Jeralt being able to follow what was going on, though he was utterly convinced she could just read his thoughts. He waited for her to appear again.

_ “Hnnnnnng!” _ she grunted. He saw her struggling in her throne in his mind’s eye, gripping the armrests so hard he thought they might crack. She let out a sigh. “ _ No, I can’t do it…” _ she muttered.

“Need a laxative?” he asked. She squeezed his brain again.

_ “Don’t be an idiot!” _ she snarled.  _ “It’s clear to me that I have a time limit on how long I can spend outside in the real world, much like the divine pulse I used to save your life. I’ll be able to do it again soon, and more than likely, as we get stronger, I’ll be able to manifest for longer and more often, until one day I need not return at all. Which is fine by me.” _

“Excellent,” said Byleth. “For now just tell me when you’re going to pop out.”

_ “Agreed,” _ said Sothis quickly.  _ “I don’t need you being burned at stake for witchcraft when it’s clear to me that our lives are bound together.” _

It took another few days to reach Garreg Mach from their location, and in that time, whenever he had a private moment, Sothis would pressure Byleth to let him out for a walk. 

_ “Come now, I need to practice!” _ she shouted.

_ “Gimme a minute to rest, will you?” _ Byleth thought. He’d been riding in the wagon all day and had only just dismounted. He was stretching his neck and shoulders before he did anything else.

_ “You’re just doing this to waste my tiiiiime,”  _ Sothis grumbled. In his mind’s eye, he could see that she was slumped across the throne, her arms and her long fluffy twintails dangling over the armrest. Her hands didn’t reach the floor, but her hair did.

Byleth didn’t reply, but he just belted on his sword and made his way into the woods, striding confidently so as not to look suspicious. He walked until he found a clearing with a floor that was relatively flat, a good place to practice walking.

As soon as the thought formed in his head, Sothis popped into being a few feet to the right. “Finally! I thought we’d never—” She immediately stumbled, and Byleth was next to her in two steps, grabbing her arm to steady her.

“Do you need me to stand behind you holding your arms up?” he suggested. “You know, like a baby.”

Sothis stuck out her tongue and pretended to retch. “You just want to hold my hand. Just let me walk around, will you?” She pulled back her arm, then took a few shaky steps. She stopped, pinwheeling her arms for a second, then froze. She slowly turned around and shot him a thumbs up. “Child’s play,” she asserted. And then she fell over.

Byleth strode over, and to Sothis’s credit, she had succeeded in sitting up. “I am  _ improving,” _ she insisted, and he helped her to her feet again. “But let’s take a few steps together.” 

Byleth spent the next few minutes helping Sothis walk around the perimeter of the clearing.

“This is nice,” said Sothis. “I think perhaps with just a few more practice sessions—” and she disappeared. An instant later, a branch snapped behind Byleth. He turned, hand dropping to his dagger, but he relaxed instantly. 

The princess, Edelgard, was making her way towards him through the woods. Her white hair and crimson cape were easy to make out in the green shadows. “Byleth,” she said, stepping into the clearing. “So this is where you’ve been.” 

_ “What a rude girl,”  _ said Sothis, slumped in her throne again. _ “You could’ve been defecating. She would’ve walked right in on you.” _ She was leaning on the armrest of her thrown, head in her hands, one leg slung over the other one. Byleth stopped himself from snorting at her.

Edelgard looked around. “I could have sworn you were talking to someone.”

“I have a secret dog,” said Byleth. Sothis jumped up onto the throne and started yelling, clenching her fists at her sides.

“Oh? Where is it?” said Edelgard, looking around again. “What’s its name? Is it a boy or a girl?” She seemed excited. Was she a dog person?

“Girl,” said Byleth. “Her name is Keroberos.”

“The hellhound?” said Edelgard. She leaned forward, hands on her knees, peering into the underbrush. “Come on out Kereberos. Come here girl.”

Sothis was rioting in his headspace. Every ounce of willpower in Byleth’s body was dedicated to keeping him from laughing out loud. “She’s very shy,” he said. “Ran off as soon as she heard you coming. Quite loyal though. She’ll be following the caravan. Perhaps you’ll see her when we get to the monastery.”

Edelgard smiled up at him. Goodness, she was short. But not as short as Sothis. “I hope so. I love dogs. For now though I suppose I haven’t earned her trust. I’ll head back to the camp.” With that, she departed back into the woods and soon disappeared from view.

Sothis popped into existence again. “I am going to destroy you for that!” she shouted, jabbing her finger into his chest.

“Do you want me to get a ladder so you can reach my face?” said Byleth.

Sothis howled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This idea hit me like a bolt from the blue. Don't expect it to get too serious, it's mostly just a romcom.  
Well maybe. I haven't decided yet.  
Edelgard has a weakness for dogs in this AU. Or was she just pretending???  
I've noticed this fandom tends towards lighter-hearted fan content. You know what? Byleth deserves it


	2. Headmates

The rest of the journey to Garreg Mach went by quickly and without incident. Byleth put a temporary hold on taking Sothis out for walks. The Adrestian princess gave him a sneaky vibe, and he was sure she might try to spy on him to catch sight of his “secret dog.” Sothis reluctantly agreed, on the grounds that he would take let her out again at Garreg Mach.

The monastery itself was far beyond what he’d imagined. He’d been told there was a village at the foot of the mountain, and every other monastery he’d seen had been nothing to write home about. But the town was really a small city surrounded by cyclopean walls, and the monastery was grander than any castle he’d seen. Other monasteries had chappels. This one had a cathedral whose rose window alone was probably bigger than some of the churches he’d seen.

_ “Well, it is the beating heart of all Seirosism,” _ said Sothis from her throne, leaning against the armrest of her throne like she was bored. _ “Seirosdom? Say, if it’s _ my _ religion why is it named after her?” _

Byleth choked trying to keep that laugh from escaping in public. _ “So you’ve just decided that you’re _ the _ Sothis, huh?” _

_ “It makes about as much sense as anything else,” _she said, _“so I may as well accept it until proven otherwise.”_ As she spoke she turned herself around in her throne so that her feet were up on the headrest and her head dangled off the seat.

_ “Can you sit like a normal person?” _asked Byleth.

_ “It’s a fucking stone chair. The seat and backrest are at a ninety degree angle.” _

“Dammit dad,_” _Byleth muttered, out loud, hoping that Jeralt would understand that he was cursing him for teaching Sothis curses.

The archbishop was as radiant as her cathedral, a fact that surprised Byleth. He’d been expecting a wizened old woman, shrivelled and bent with the weight of her wisdom and responsibility, but Rhea was young (_“Not a day under forty,” _ said Sothis), tall (_Five foot six isn’t tall. She’s wearing platform heels, Byleth,” _ said Sothis), and beautiful (_“A solid seven out of ten. You have very low standards because you’re a wandering mercenary who doesn’t know about bathing. Get a grip,” _said Sothis).

Rhea was speaking but Byleth was having difficulty paying attention to what she was saying thanks to Sothis roasting the archbishop’s life at every turn. 

_ “She has the eyes of a psychopath,” _said Sothis, perched on top of the backrest of her throne.

_ “Why do you have so much beef with the archbishop?” _ asked Byleth. _ “Is it because I noticed she was pretty?” _

Sothis rolled her eyes. _ “What’s wrong with you? Fine, shtup the archbishop for all I care. Just hang up a sock so I’ll know to leave.” _

_ “No more talking to Jeralt,” _ Byleth admonished.

_ “But we have such nice little talks.” _

Byleth started. “What?” he asked, out loud.

Rhea blinked. “I asked if you would like the teaching position.”

“Oh, yes, of course,” said Byleth. “I mean, that is to say—”

“Wonderful,” said Rhea with a smile that did not reach her eyes.

_ “You idiot,” _ snapped Sothis, jolting upright in the throne. _ “You just agreed to stay here so she could put her claws in you.” _

Byleth looked up into the archbishop’s almost luminescent green eyes, unblinking, sharp and almost reptilian, concealing a terrible intelligence. _ “You worry too much. Now what’s this about little talks you’ve had with Jeralt?” _

Sothis rolled her eyes. _ “Much the same way that I instinctively learned how to reverse time, I also learned I can manifest anywhere within a hundred yards of you.” _

“That would’ve been useful to tell me at the time,” Byleth snapped.

Rhea raised her eyebrows t his tone. Her...minion? Some green haired man, seemed to be choking with outrage. “Excuse me, professor?” said Rhea, in a tone that made it quite clear who would be doing the excusing. “Are you _ unwell? _Do you perhaps need to go to the infirmary?” 

_ “Byleth shut up!” _shouted Sothis.

“No you,” Byleth responded, then slapped his hand over his mouth. 

Rhea froze. Her eyes narrowed._ “Is there someone else here?” _

_ “You’re making a scene!” _Sothis snapped her fingers, and suddenly Byleth was in her world again.

“Okay, what the hell is this now?” he said, stomping round. “You can just take me here whenever you want?”

“You already knew that, dill weed,” said Sothis, whose head was lolling off the edge of her armrest. She wasn’t even looking at him. “I did it when I stopped time to save you the other day. No, I can’t just pull you in here whenever I want, I need to expend a divine pulse. While we’re both here, time is stopped in the real world. Are you happy now that you know the precious _ rules?” _she asked, straightening up.

“Wouldn’t it be great if you could just be asleep most of the time?” said Byleth, rubbing his forehead.

Sothis scoffed. “What fun would that be?”

“Anyway, you’ve been, what, manifesting in Jeralt’s wagon and talking to him?” said Byleth, determined not to get distracted again.

“Yes,” she said. “Though only a couple times. It’s not as if there’s a lot of privacy in a caravan.”

Byleth squinted at her. “But why?”

She tossed her hair. “He’s nice to me! He’s a good conversationalist! I wish I’d gotten stuck in his head!”

“You just like him because he’s teaching you swears,” said Byleth, crossing his arms.

Sothis tugged on her twintails with a groan. “I am _ not _ a child! I’m not, I’m _ not!” _

“Did you already know ‘fuck’, ‘shtupping,’ or ‘dillweed’?” he asked.

She bit her lip. “No.”

“Then he taught you swears,” he said.

She breathed out a sigh. “Alright, fine, he taught me swears. And I suppose I have been acting...a little childish. But can you blame me? Everything is weird and new and I don’t have any memories, except for the knowledge that I should have memories.” She crossed her arms, rubbing herself with her hands, looking pensive. “Can you even imagine that?”

“Yeah,” said Byleth.

_ “What? _Byleth I’m being serious—”

He raised his hand to placate her. “So am I. I can’t remember anything from before I was ten or so, and my memories from then on are a bit hazy until I hit puberty. I don’t actually know how old I am because Jeralt is bad at keeping track of time.” he snorted. “You know, like an idiot.”

“Show your father some respect,” said Sothis, putting her hands on her hips. “But all the rest of that, I can sympathize with.” With another deep sigh, she said, “Anyway, I think I’ve made my position clear. But I’ll try not to make things difficult for you. I’ll save roasting the archbishop, and my delightful conversation in general, for when you’re actually available. In fact, I swear to be nice and helpful from now on,” she said, putting her hand over her heart.

Byleth smiled. “Thank you. We gonna hug now or something?”

She snorted. “You wish. I know you haven’t forgotten waking up with me, but I don’t like being touched.”

Byleth rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah. Anyway, are you ready to reverse time?”

“Hold on, we still need to decide what to do about the archbishop,” said Sothis.

“We’re not gonna kill her,” said Byleth. “I’m gonna take the teaching job.”

Sothis sputtered. “What? You don’t know how to teach!”

“You don’t know that I don’t know that,” he said, with a reasonable gesture of his hand. “Besides, my dad has almost certainly taken the knight captain’s position.”

“What makes you say that?” asked Sothis. “He seemed pretty adamantly against it.”

“He has no willpower,” Byleth asserted. “I’m pretty sure Alois just kept bugging him until he said yes. I can only imagine how that conversation went. No, we’d be stuck here anyway.”

“Why not join the knights with him then?” asked Sothis, tilting her head.

Byleth rotated his hand in a circle. “First of all, I wasn’t offered a job with the knights,” he said. “Rhea seems the type not to like when people ask for more than they’re given. Second of all, I’m intrigued by those royals.”

“Ahh yes, the short one,” said Sothis with a smirk. “You have a thing for short girls don’t you?”

“No,” said Byleth, tone drying out. “I just want to keep an eye on them. I feel like I’ll probably learn more about the world as a teacher than by continuing to work for my dad.”

“I would say that the only way to learn about the world is to travel, but considering how empty your brain is, that might be true,” she teased.

“Well now you’re hurting my feelings,” said Byleth.

“Oh, you have those?” 

“Sometimes,” said Byleth, in the same exact tone. “We gonna reverse time or not?” 

“Yeah yeah,” said Sothis. She floated up into the air and snapped her fingers.

Everything reversed colors and Byleth was back in the audience chamber. He felt the violent jerking of being forced backwards through time, though it wasn’t so bad this time. He hadn’t moved very much in this scene, and he was probably getting used to it.

“Yes archbishop,” he said, almost as soon as the question had passed her lips. With a bow, he added, “I would love to take that professorial position.”

“So I guess they roped you into this too, huh?” said Jeralt. They were out by the sauna, walking Sothis. It was late in the evening, and the two men were walking on either side of Sothis. She’d only stumbled a few times.

“No actually, I decided to take the job,” said Byleth. “Everyone here is really weird and I want in on the drama. Why are we by the sauna?”

“No one ever goes to the sauna,” said Jeralt. “The doors get stuck and it’s really frustrating to get in or out.”

“And you know that because you were knight captain once upon a time,” said Sothis, staring intently at her feet as she walked.

“That’s right,” said Jeralt. “A position I never really wanted to return to.”

“So what did they offer you to come back?” asked Byleth. “Are we gonna live in a mansion?”

“No,” said Jeralt.

“Are they going to pay you a king’s ransom?” asked Sothis.

“No,” said Jeralt.

“Are they gonna make you a lord?”

“Give you some lands?”

“Make you a cardinal?”

“Give you a super rare ancient relic weapon that only you can wield?”

Jeralt groaned. “No, it’s none of those— ”

A chill went down Byleth’s spine as a terrible idea occurred to him. “Are you gonna marry Rhea? Did the archbishop offer herself to you? Is that why we’re staying here?”

Sothis spun on her heel and gasped, covering her mouth, taking a few steps back as she imagined the unimaginable. “He _ is _ . She wants his dad bod, and he’s going to _ give it to her _.”

“Gross,” said Byleth, “it’s that one, isn’t it?”

“You’ve been pining after her since you ran away,” said Sothis, planting her hands on her hips. “And today she confirmed that she had feelings for you too, and so of course you had to return to your post. But you can’t marry, so you’ll just be her silent protector, but history will know the truth.”

Jeralt covered his face with his hands and let out a loud groan like a dying animal. “No Sothis, I’m not in love with Byleth’s grandmother!”

The trio stood stock still.

Jeralt lowered his hands. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“She’s my _ what?” _

Sothis started laughing at him. “You thought she was _ so beautiful _.”

“How’s that even possible?” asked Byleth.

“This is why I don’t tell you anything,” said Jeralt, rubbing his eyes. 

“You couldn’t stop staring at her!”

“Because you suck at it?” said Byleth, continuing to ignore Sothis.

“Yes!”

Sothis was still laughing. 

* * *

**Omake #1**

Alois: Can you rejoin the knights of Seiros?

Jeralt: absolutely not.

Alois: Aww, come on!

Jeralt. I said no.

Alois: but you gotta!

Jeralt: No!

Alois: ...Please?

Jeralt: Damn, they got me by the short hairs. Looks like we’re stuck here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Jeralt but I think he caved in really easily about rejoining the church. We can only imagine that Alois trapped him in social convention like Perry the Platypus.  
In fact, anything I could say about Jeralt would probably start with "I love Jeralt but..."  
It would've been interesting if you could use your divine pulse outside of battle. You only ever really see it twice in a cutscene.


	3. Teacher's Assistant

Byleth was ill the next day due to the shock of finding out his grandmother was the archbishop.

“She’s the most powerful woman on earth,” he muttered into his pillow. “And I grew up in the fucking wilderness drinking pine needle tea and wiping my ass with maple leaves.” He started shivering.

In accordance with her vow to be nice and helpful, Sothis cooed and wiped his feverish brow with a wet rag. “It’s okay. It’s all going to be fine. Jeralt said he would tell you the rest of the story eventually so—”

Byleth started to scream. A few minutes later, he passed out.

Sothis sighed and checked her wrist. She didn’t know why she did that, but it made her conscious of how much time she had left in the physical plane. Suddenly, she had an idea. If she burned all her divine pulses, it would be just enough time.

She opened the door, stepping outside on shaky legs. A few passers by stared at her, but mostly she was (literally) beneath their notice. She looked around for a few minutes until she found someone who looked like they worked there.

The boy was shorter than she was and she figured that must mean he was like eight or so, but he was carrying a basket laden with piles and piles of clothing.

He couldn’t see where he was going, so she got in his way. He bumped into her and they both fell to the ground. “Ahh, how dare you?” she said, pretending to be outraged.

“I’m sorry miss,” he said, scramping to pick up the laundry. “I didn’t see—” he tilted his head, looking her over. “What are you wearing?”

Sothis was scandalized. “This is traditional clothing from—” she didn’t actually know. “...Almyra!” 

The boy tilted his head the other way. “Well I’m from Almyra and I’ve never seen anything like it.”

The gears in Sothis’s head ground together for a few moments. “It’s not my fault that you don’t know the current trends, we just arrived yesterday,” She scoffed. Then she held out her hand. “Help me up will you?”

The boy looked embarrassed. “Oh, yes, of course.” He hauled her to his feet. He didn’t have much leverage.

Sothis snatched her hand back dusted herself off. “Now, what’s your name?”

“Cyril,” he said. “I’m lady Rhea’s attendant.”

“Mhm,” said Sothis, not buying it. She rubbed her chin with one finger. “You look more like a handyman. Be honest.”

Cyril let out a dry cough. “Well, I guess you could put it that way…”

“Anyway, Cyrus, since you’re not busy, I need a favor,” she said. 

He looked down. “Is it shoes? I can get you some shoes.”

“No,” said Sothis, “I’m fine without shoes. Forget about shoes for a moment. But would there happen to be a clothier? I only have the one outfit.”

“Oh sure,” Cyril said, struggling to lift up the basket. He looked over at her and she met his gaze blankly. Eventually he got it balanced on his hip. “Do you...want me to take you there?”

Sothis gave him a small smile and a nod. “It’s within a hundred yards of here, right?”

“I’ve never measured it,” he said. 

“Well, it’ll have to do,” Sothis replied, crossing her arms. “Lead on, Cyrus.”

“Cyril,” said Cyril.

“Hmm, no, I like Cyrus better.”

He grunted in a tone that indicated he was too much of a doormat to argue. A thought popped up into her head. “Hey, Cyrus, You can tell I’m an adult right?”

“You are?” he said, raising an eyebrow. “I thought you were my age.”

Sothis choked. “What? That’s an outrage!”

Cyril tilted his head. “I’m fifteen.”

Sothis coughed.  _ “What?” _

Cyril chuckled. “Looks like we both have that baby face syndrome.”

“We’re not bonding over that!”

Byleth woke up to Sothis rubbing his forehead with a wet rag again. He was feeling much better, though his mouth felt like he’s stuffed it with feathers. He looked down. He’d bitten into his pillow. “Urgh,” he muttered. 

“How are you doing?” asked Sothis.

“A little bit better,” he said. Then he sighed. “Maybe I  _ can’t  _ actually handle the truth. Maybe Jeralt is  _ right  _ to treat me like a dumb idiot baby.”

Sothis slapped him across the face. “If you’re saying stuff like that, then you’re not better!” 

“Can’t argue with that,” said Byleth, rubbing the red handprint on his face. “I need something to drink though.” He spat out a feather.

Sothis bit back a joke about drunkenness, then got up and brought him a pitcher of water, pouring it into a cup for him. “Did you see that? I didn’t stumble even once. Are you proud of me?”

“Incredibly,” said Byleth, his tone as dry as his throat felt. He took the water and drank it down in one gulp. Sothis poured him another, and he knocked it back too.

“You nervous about tomorrow?” she asked.

“Not really,” he said, holding out his cup. She filled it. “Though I’m not looking forward to a bunch of spoiled nobs looking down their noses at me.” He drained the cup and held it out again.

“You just gotta start strong,” she filled his cup. “Establish dominance.”

He nodded and drank the water.

It went on like this until he had drained the pitcher. Sothis sat down on the edge of the bed and smiled gently at Byleth.

He narrowed his eyes. “What?”

She frowned. “Nothing! What, I can’t look at you?”

“Not for free you can’t,” said Byleth, sitting up. “I charge by the minute. Say, how much longer do you have until—”

Sothis popped, disappearing into his head. It occurred to him that she had probably used most of her time looking out for him. That touched his heart, dead as it was, though he’d never admit it to her—

_ “Hah, you care for me. I knew it,” _ she smiled smugly own at him from her throne (she was perched on the seat like a bird).

“No I don’t,” said Byleth. 

_ “I can read your thoughts!” _

“And you’re misinterpreting them, like a rank amateur,” he said, crossing his arms and giving her the slightest of smug smiles. Sothis growled.

The next day was Byleth’s first day of class. All the students showed up early, wanting to make a good first impression. While most of them were in fact spoiled nobs, they were good kids. And Hubert.

Trembling, Berndadetta poked the girl next to her, and almost jumped when she turned around to acknowledge her. “D-do you think the new teacher is going to be mean?” she asked, clenching her fingers in front of her face.

Dorothea shrugged. “I hear he was a fearsome mercenary.” Noting her friend’s panicked state, she put her hand on her shoulder and added, “but I’m sure he’ll be nice!”

Caspar called out from across the aisle, making Bernadetta yelp. “Oh the new professor?! I asked around and apparently they used to call him the Ashen Demon back when he was a mercenary because of how he can just kill someone and feel  _ nothing _ .” Bernadetta whimpered.

“I hear he wiped out an entire town once because they refused to pay his fee,” said Linhardt, nose buried in a book. Bernadetta was trembling like a chihuahua.

“I hear he once killed a demonic beast with nothing but a knife,” Ferdinand chimed in, not to be outdone. “In his  _ mouth _ .”

“I heard he has a nice dog,” muttered Edelgard. “But he won’t let me see it.”

Hubert’s lips tightened into a little sneer. “Do let me know if he offers to show you his “dog” again…”

Petra blinked. “I have not heard anything about this man until today, but he sounds fearsome indeed. I am sure being his students will be quite a challenge.”

Bernadetta sank lower into her chair, eyes darting around.

“I hear I eat swords and shit daggers,” said Byleth, who had slid into the classroom minutes ago. “And when I go to the bathroom, the toilet gets stabbed.” Bernadetta screamed, and this time everybody jumped.

He strode up the aisle, coat billowing out behind him like a pair of bat wings, and the shocked students looked on in horror. He reached the board and began writing on it. “My name is Byleth,” he said. “I never much cared for my mercenary nickname, so you can forget about it. Regardless, you’ll be calling me  _ this _ from now on.” He stepped aside, revealing that he’d written “PROFESSOR” in perfect Fraktur, underlined three times.

“Yeah!” said Sothis. “Establish your authority!”

He nodded. “I—” he instantly forgot what he was going to say when he realized Sothis was sitting in the back of the classroom, leaning her chair back, feet up on her desk. “What the hell are you—” he stopped himself, narrowing his eyes. “What are you wearing?”

Sothis got up, almost falling down, and stood proudly in the middle of the aisle, wearing what appeared to be the school uniform, though it was accented in silver, not gold. Also, rather than a half cape like most of the female students (And Linhardt, for some reason) were wearing, she wore a full cape. He noted that she’d eschewed the school shoes and was still barefoot, except for the sapphire anklets that went with her usual attire. She gave a twirl, and again, almost fell over. “It’s the staff uniform,” she said.

“There’s a staff uniform?” asked Byleth, tilting his head. Everyone giggled. He scowled.

“Yeah, I can’t believe they’re just letting you wear whatever you want on your first day like this. Maybe they’re hazing you,” she said with a grin. The students tittered again. 

Edelgard raised her hand. “Professor, who is this?” she asked.

“This is my teacher’s assistant, Soth—” he cut himself off. “Ssssspot.” He winced internally. He wouldn’t usually be so bad at lying but everything that had happened these past few days was weighing on him.

Sothis put her hands on her hips and glared. It looked like she was about to say something, but instead, Edelgard cut in. “Spot,” she repeated. “Like a dog.” She stood up, pointing accusingly. “Professor, do you even have a dog?” 

The class broke out into an uproar.

“Alright, that’s it,” said Byleth, “stop, stop.” He pointed at Sothis. “I mean you, stop  _ time. _ ”

Sothis snapped her fingers and they were back in the throne room, watching the scene frozen in time.

He turned on her. “What the  _ fuck _ Sothis?”

“Excuse you,” she said, “you’re the one who keeps referring to me as a dog.” she crossed her arms. He noted that she was still wearing the uniform in here.

“That’s just situational,” he said, “and the situation is that we’re keeping your existence a secret. Why would you just come out? Where did you get clothes? Is that even really the staff uniform or were you just roasting me?”

She spread out her hands placatingly. “Okay, I’m sorry about roasting you, really! I wanted to help you out! You’ve never taught a class before.”

“Neither have you,” said Byleth.

“You don’t know that I haven’t,” she said, crossing her arms.

“Neither do you,” he replied, crossing his own arms. 

The two locked eyes, waiting for the other to flinch.

They waited for quite a while. “I don’t wanna fight!” shouted Sothis. “I honestly genuinely want to help you teach this class because I promised I would be helpful! I know I should probably have asked first, but I wanted to surprise you with my new clothes!”

“You could’ve done that in the room,” he said. “And  _ how _ did you get them? You never answered.”

“Oh right,” she said, picking a bit of fluff off her sleeve. “The school clothier is actually located within a hundred yards of the dorms. And this like, indentured servant kid helped me find it. No biggie.”

Byleth slapped his forehead. “So now some kid knows about you...what did you tell him?”

“That I was from Almyra, and that I’m too old to be a student,” she said. “Oh right, that’s part of my cover now. I’m your TA from Almyra.”

He sighed. “Okay, alright. We can work with that. You can be my TA, but we’re not keeping this intro where all these damn nobs laugh at me. We’re rewinding to before any of that.”

“Got it,” said Sothis. “Oh and we’re not keeping the nickname  _ Spot. _ ”

“Alright alright,” said Byleth. “What would you rather be called?”

“Seiros isn’t a common name, is it?” she asked.

“I would assume it’s also taboo,” he said. “We can get away with anything if it sounds foreign though,” he said. 

“We can’t use Keroberos since that’s our dog,” she said, rubbing her chin. “How about Iset? It’s cute, and not common at all, I’m sure.”

Byleth ignored the bit about ‘our dog.’ “Got it,” he said. “My teacher’s assistant, Iset from Almyra.”

“Should we get a dog?” she asked. 

“No, I’m gonna tell Edelgard she died if she asks again,” he said.

“Noooo,” said Sothis, clenching her fists. “let’s get a dog, come on!”

Byleth rubbed his eyes and sighed. “We’ll table that for later,” he said. “For now, snap us back in time.”

“Alright, alright,” she said, raising her hand.

“Oh and...from now on we talk about these things, right?” he said, staring into her eyes.

She stared back. “Yes. Definitely. Absolutely.” 

The two locked eyes, waiting for the other to flinch. They waited for quite a while.

Sothis snapped her fingers.

This time, Byleth hardly felt the transition, though he was still aware of it. When it was over, he had just stepped into the classroom, and Sothis popped into the space next to him. The kids were too wrapped up in their gossip to notice them, just like last time.

“I hear he wiped out an entire town once because they refused to pay his fee,” said Linhardt, nose buried in a book. Bernadetta was trembling like a chihuahua.

“I hear he once killed a demonic beast with nothing but a knife,” Ferdinand chimed in, not to be outdone. “In his  _ mouth _ .”

“I heard he has a nice dog,” muttered Edelgard. “But he won’t let me see it.”

Hubert’s lips tightened into a little sneer. “Do let me know if he offers to show you his “dog” again…”

Petra blinked. “I have not heard anything about this man until today, but he sounds fearsome indeed. I am sure being his students will be quite a challenge.”

Bernadetta sank lower into her chair, eyes darting around.

She caught sight of a green haired girl giving her a vicious smile, and yelped. “I hear he eats swords and shits daggers,” said Sothis.

“They say an awful lot about me,” said Byleth. “You might find out which stuff is true by the end of the year.” he strode up the aisle, gesturing for Sothis to follow. She stumbled, but he caught her, and they walked up to the blackboard together. 

“My name is Byleth,” he said, as he took his position behind the podium. “This is my assistant, Iset.”

Sothis wiggled her fingers. “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

* * *

**Omake #2**

Byleth: this is my assistant Soooooooolgaleo?

Sothis: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A POKEMON?

Edelgard, smashing the table with her axe: WHERE IS THE DOG?

* * *

**Omake #3**

Cyril: you call hamburgers “Steamed hams?”

Sothis: Yes. It’s a regional dialect.

Cyril: what region?

Sothis: Almyra.

Cyril: well I’m from Almyra and I’ve never heard the phrase “steamed hams.”

Sothis, sweating: oh, not in whatever region you’re from, it’s a Fódlan’s Throat expression.

Cyril: I see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was so hard to stop myself from giving Dorothea a ton more lines and turning this into a Byleth/Dorothea fic. Maybe the next one.  
Speaking of alternate ships, Sothis/Cyril might be cute. I was originally gonna have her misremember his name as something different every time, but it felt more in character to just...have her change his name because she likes this one better.  
For those of you who are curious, Iset is an alternate name for Isis, an Egyptian goddess who was conflated with Sopdet, the Egyptian goddess who is associated with Sirius, which is also known as Sothis. I do research


	4. Coach

Edelgard wiped the sweat from her brow. With a sharp swat of her hand she splattered the droplets onto the ground. She grimaced at Dimitri, her teeth red, and spat a gob of blood at his feet.

“I-I’m sorry, El...Edelgard I mean,” He stammered nervously.

Edelgard dribbled the dodgeball and slammed it as hard as she could into his face, knocking him to the ground. “Death,” she proclaimed.

Dimitri’s expression went cold. He staggered to his feet like a shambling corpse, shoulders slumped, breathing hard. “Blue Lions!” he called out, “KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!” 

The sportsball court erupted into a fury of loud rubbery clinks and pings as dodgeballs rained like hails of arrows.

Sothis slouched on her referee’s chair, fanning herself with a folded up syllabus. Byleth looked up at her, mouth agape. “You expect me to just let this happen?”

She looked up, eyes darting to the opposite end of the field, where Manuela was observing the chaos with a manic grin. Their eyes locked, and lightning seemed to fly between them. Sothis tugged her left braid and growled. “If the crown princess of the Empire’s nose needs to be broken to make that woman treat me like an adult, then so be it.”

Byleth facepalmed.

EARLIER THAT WEEK

With Sothis ever at his side, Byleth and the Black Eagles had settled into a routine. Now and again, he pulled some kind of stunt to keep them on their toes. Once he’d offered to let them out of class early if they could hit him with darts during the lecture, and neatly swatted their attacks out of the air with his ruler, never breaking stride.

But then came their first mission. Many of the students had been distraught in the aftermath of their first battle, and for many, their first kill. They clearly needed a break after that, so Byleth had made a conscious effort to tone his intensity down. At least after Sothis gave him a scolding.

“Stop being mean to the kids!” she’d said, little hands firmly clenched on his cheeks, stretching them out this way and that. He’d been in the middle of getting ready for the day when she suddenly popped into being, standing on his bed so she could actually reach his face.

“Ow,” he said, “stop that.” He swatted her with a rolled up syllabus until she backed off into a defensive position. 

She growled. “Don’t ignore me, you have to do something to lift their spirits!”

“You want me to reward them for killing people? Kinda fucked up,” said Byleth. Jeralt had bought him an ice cream cone after his first battle. He still had no idea how to feel about it— 

She ripped the syllabus out of his hand and started beating him with it. He sighed as he blocked the onslaught with his forearm. He honestly didn’t know how to help his students in this situation, having never known how to handle his own emotions. 

Fortunately, during the afternoon recess, Alois came to the rescue. Or so he thought at the time.

“What in Ailell are you wearing?” asked Byleth.

The big man laughed. He was clad from head to toe in a tight, black and white striped outfit. Byleth couldn’t tell if it was a jersey and shorts, or some kind of onesie that cut off just below the knee. The material looked sleek and breathable, and there was a church crest over his heart. “Just something I’ve had the clothier work on. Cyril, pass’em out!”

Rhea’s—indentured servant? Byleth wasn’t sure—the boy from Almyra came around pulling a little wagon laden with similar outfits, delivering one to each student. Then to each of the teachers. 

“Absolutely not,” said Byleth.

“Oooh, new clothes,” Sothis cooed, snatching her sportswear from Cryil’s hands. “Thanks Cyrus!”

“Cyril,” said Cyril.

“You’ll always be Cyrus to me,” she said.

“No, really, what are these for?” asked Byleth.

“All the classes are going to have a dodgeball tournament!” said Alois, spreading his arms in a grand gesture.

Byleth wondered at the logistics of that, but said nothing. He felt the students staring at him, knowing that the final decision was in his hands. The gears in his head turned. He wanted to dismiss the notion out of hand, as it would cut into their study time, but he decided it would be a good way for the students to let loose and come down from the trauma of their first battle.

He raised a fist. “Suit up Black Eagles,” he declaimed, “We’re going to show the other houses a taste of what awaits them at the Battle of Eagle and Lion.” The Black Eagles cheered. Caspar got ahead of himself and, howling like a wolf, tore off his shirt. “Detention,” said Byleth.

FOUR DAYS AGO

Alois had shown the students to the dilapidated old sportsball pitch behind the monastery, where in sportier times, the Three Houses had competed in athletic games unrelated to combat. The professors spent a few days cleaning the pitch—which is to say, watching their students do it—and a bit of a friendly rivalry seemed to have built up between the houses, promising a lively game to come.

Everyone, with the exception of Byleth himself, had fully embraced the spirit of sports and put on their sports gear. Sothis in particular was quite proud of the little suit that Byleth still didn’t know if it was one or two pieces. “Come on, you know I look darling in this,” she said, twirling.

“No comment,” said Byleth. He wasn’t really looking at her, instead slouching on his chair and watching the field, chin resting on his palm. Edelgard and Dimitri had been edging closer and closer to each other as they weeded the far edge, and he wondered if they would collide. Meanwhile Caspar had collided several times with Raphael, who laughed as the feisty bluenette bounced off his muscles. He had no idea how that had started but it seemed like they were doing it for fun now. 

Sothis growled. “Stop looking at the princess, they’re gonna think you’re a  _ lustful teacher. _ ”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not looking at her, I’m looking at everyone. Besides, if you keep talking like that I might start to think you’re jealous.”

She made a loud retching noise, pointing at her mouth for good measure. “Besides,” he went on, “you’ve been making eyes at Rhea’s...slave? Son? Whatever he is. Cyril. You even have a pet name for him. What’s going on with that?”

“Ew no he’s like two,” scoffed Sothis, crossing her arms. “Being serious, you know I wouldn’t even do that right?”

“Hmm?” he raised an eyebrow.

“You know.” she wiggled her fingers.  _ “Pursue  _ someone. Considering our situation it would be impossible.” She pointed at him. “And you need to do the same! I am  _ not  _ going to abide you hanging a sock from our doorknob—”

“Oh dear, did I just walk into a  _ lover’s quarrel?”  _ they both turned towards the husky, feminine voice to find that Manuela, professor to the Blue Lions, had snuck up on them, hands on her hips like she’d just heard something juicy.

“How much did you hear?” Byleth asked casually, wondering how quickly he could slit her throat and hide the body without anyone noticing in case the answer was “too much”.

“Just little Miss Iset trying to extract oaths from you,” she said, canting her hips. “Isn’t that adorable? I actually thought she was your little sister. Or does she just have a brother complex?” Manuela let out a tinkling laugh as Sothis got redder and redder in the face.

But she wasn’t embarrassed, she was  _ furious.  _ “I will have you know,” she said, breathing in deeply, “That Byleth and I...are lovers. Red hot lovers.” She draped herself across his lap and smiled up at Manuela.

“Absolutely not,” said Byleth, “detention.”

“You’re so funny, honeybun~” said Sothis. She wiggled her hand in a sweeping motion. “Now move along, Manuela, we’re having an adult conversation here. It’s gonna get  _ explicit.” _

Manuela was frowning, a vein popping out in her forehead. Then suddenly, she laughed. “Oh, your  _ little sister _ is such a card, Professor,” she said, taking hold of Byleth’s arm. “But if you’re ever in need of a grown woman’s company, feel free to call on me, hmm?” She stroked his bicep. If looks could kill, Sothis’s face would’ve been a weapon of mass destruction.

“What did I do to deserve this?” asked Byleth. 

“Never speak to my  _ husband  _ like that again,” Sothis hissed.

Byelth wheezed. “This must be punishment for all those people I’ve killed.”

“You’re so cute~” said Manuela, booping Sothis’s nose. She snapped her teeth. “But the grownups are talking now sweetie, go run along and help the students~” She gripped Byleth’s arm tighter.

Sothis sat up, hands clenching the material of Byleth’s pants. “Listen up wench,” she snarled, “you need to back off, or I won’t be held accountable for my actions!”

“I suppose killing people really is bad,” Byleth muttered.

Manuela frowned again, squeezing his arm so tight it hurt. “What a rude little girl. I can talk to whoever I please, however I please!” an evil look crossed her face. “If you were older I might be tempted to challenge you to a wizard’s duel, but since you’re so  _ teeny and tiny,  _ why not settle it on the sportsball pitch?”

Sothis grinned at her, really just bearing her sharp teeth. “If the Black Eagles win, you stop pretending like I’m a kid and you leave Byleth alone!”

Manuela glared back. “And if the Blue Lions win, then Byleth becomes  _ my plaything.” _

_ “You’re on!”  _ roared Sothis.

“I’m in hell,” said Byleth.

THREE DAYS AGO

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” said Byleth. “You’re just too impulsive.”

He was looking down at his handiwork; Sothis hogtied to the bed. “That’s why you’re gonna be sitting out the tournament while I go and tell Manuela that the bet is off.”

Sothis struggled against the ropes. “No prison can hold me! And no way am I gonna let you visit that old cougar in her room  _ alone.  _ That’s what she wants!” she flopped around like a worm. “She’s playing eighth dimensional chess with us!”

Byleth facepalmed. He waited a moment to collect himself, then opened his mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by the door creaking open. He and Sothis both turned to look at the noise.

Standing there was Bernadetta, looking mortified. She saw Byleth looming over his TA, who was tied up and writhing on the bed. Red in the face, Bernadetta got exactly the wrong idea and ran away.

“Oy fucking vey,” said Byleth, as he reversed time. 

“I’m still tied up,” said Sothis.

“I see nothing wrong with that,” said Byleth.

“Bernie’s gonna walk in on this in about a minute anyway,” said Sothis.

“We’ll come up with an explanation,” said Byleth.

Bernadetta opened the door and stood there with a blank expression.

“I’m okay!” said Sothis. “We’re playing a game!”

Red in the face, Bernadetta got exactly the wrong idea and ran away again.

“Oy fucking vey,” said Byleth, as he reversed time. Again.

Byleth threw a blanket over Sothis. “I’m gonna deal with Bernie, then I’m going over to Manuela’s.” He threw open the door, startling Bernadetta, who was about to open it.

“I-I’m sorry Professor it was open a crack so I just assumed—-I’ll just leave!” she spun on her heel to run away, but Byleth caught her by the shoulder. 

“It’s okay, just tell me what you need,” he said.

Trembling like a fawn, Bernadetta explained her issues with last night’s homework and Byleth helped her through it. Meanwhile, Sothis popped back into his headspace. She knew that Byleth was not conscious of the throne room unless she called his attention to it. She was pleased to note that the ropes didn’t count as clothes, so she was free. She then popped back into reality right outside the room, and waited patiently for Byleth to finish up. When he finally shut the door, she let out a contented sigh.

Bernadetta almost squealed, but Sothis covered her mouth with her hand. “Hold on, I don’t want the Professor to notice I’m out here, come on!” She grabbed her hand and ran off. By now her legs had strengthened enough that she could actually run. Well, jog awkwardly at least.

She didn’t intend to go anywhere in particular, but wound up falling down on the newly mowed lawn of the sportsball pitch, draggin Bernadetta down across her back.

Bernadetta let out the scream she’d been holding in since the dorms and Sothis started laughing. “I’m so sorry!” Bernie said, assuming that Sothis was crying in pain, and rolled off her. 

Sothis sat up and patted her on the head. “Stop it, you’re fine,” she said with a grin.

Bernie sat in awkward silence for a minute or so while Sothis giggled to herself, before she cleared her throat and asked. “Oh, so, um...are you and the professor… fighting?”

Sothis snorted. “Yeah. But he’ll get over it when we win the dodgeball tournament,” she insisted, crossing her arms authoritatively. 

Emboldened by her casual way of speaking, Bernadetta blabbed something she’d been worrying about. “Umm, the dodgeball game sounds scary, can I just not play?”

Sothis gaped at her. “No, you can’t just  _ not  _ play!” she leapt to her feet, fists clenched, and Bernie shrank back from her. “Don’t you understand what’s at stake here?”

Bernadetta wracked her brain. “Uhhh… that trophy Sir Alois made?” It was a clay amphora the man had fired himself as part of his effort to learn new hobbies.

Sothis shook her head. “I wish it was just that crummy trophy. If we lose to the Blue Lions, then Manuela  _ gets the professor.” _

Bernadetta gasped. “W-what do you mean  _ gets _ him?”

Sothis just arched an eyebrow at her. “Well…  _ you know.” _

The poor girl blushed. “W-why would he agree to that?”

Sothis put her hand on her chest, looking solemn. “For my honor, of course.”

Bernadetta was red from tip to toe now. “So you two...really are…”

“Really are what?” asked Sothis, arching her other eyebrow. It just made her look surprised.

“There’s a rumor going around that you’re...secretly married.” Bernadetta whispered.

Sothis paused. “Well if it’s a secret I can hardly tell you, can I?” she eventually said. Bernie gasped again. “Now, are you gonna help me keep the professor or not?!” she cried, getting up in Bernie’s face.

“Yes!” she shouted back, leaping to her feet and hoisting her arms into the air. “For true love!”

“Then let’s train!” Sothis shouted. She ran to the edge of the field where a cartful of equipment was resting and produced a ball. “Catch!” she shouted, lobbing it at Bernie.

She spread her arms to catch it and was shot off her feet. 

Sothis facepalmed. “Oy fucking vey.”

PRESENT DAY

“Sothis, I am going to Divine Pulse so hard that it keeps me from being born,” Byleth threatened. 

She waved her hand dismissively. “That’s impossible. Save the pulses for if we lose so we can just win.”

“I don’t know anything about dodgeball,” said Byleth. “I can’t lead the team to victory here, no matter how much I reverse time.”

“It’s okay, I’ve got a secret weapon,” Sothis grinned.

A great drama was breaking out on the field. Edelgard had fallen early and the merciless Blue Lions formed up to pelt her with dodgeballs. Just as the firing squad loosed, Hubert heroically leapt between them and his lord, the force of the blast shooting him off his feet.

Byleth looked to Alois, wearing a striped referee’s shirt. “That can’t be a legal maneuver,” he said.

“Hitting someone while they're down isn’t legal,” Alois nodded, “but they hit Hubert instead, so it’s okay.”

“Charge!” shouted Caspar, tearing off his shirt. He caught a ball in each hand and broke Ashe’s ankle and Felix’s nose before Dedue knocked him clean out with a blow to the temple.

“They’re being unnecessarily rough,” said Byleth.

Alois shrugged. “The game can get heated sometimes! I’ll say something if it gets too crazy. Besides, Manuela is here! What can go wrong?”

Byleth briefly flashed back to his attempt to talk to Manuela and muttered that he knew exactly what could go wrong.

Linhardt sighed deeply as he looked down at the unconscious, drooling Caspar. “God I wish that were me.” He levitated a ball and propelled it with wind magic, narrowly missing Annette. A puff of orange escaped as the ball disintegrated one of her braids. 

Annette clutched at the frayed stomp for a moment, then growled. “Oh that’s it, you’re dead, Hevring!” she shouted. “Come on Mercie, combo attack!” between them they picked up a ball and began charging it with lightning and fire. It shot off like a cannonball, exploding right in front of Linhardt and knocking him off his feet.

Byleth just glared at Alois.

“I’ll allow it!” he said. “Some of these kids are frail bookworms, they need to play to their strengths!”

“You’re still in!” Sothis shouted at Linhardt. She hopped up onto her chair and turned to Alois. “Ref, he’s still in, right? The ball didn’t touch him! We all saw that, right?”

“Oh bother,” muttered Linhardt, rolling over and pretending to be unconscious. Within seconds, he was properly asleep.

Alois chuckled. “Well, he’s out now.”

“Professor~!” Manuela called from across the field. “When we’ve finished up here, how about you come help me  _ fix the plumbing _ in my quarters?” she shot him an absolutely filthy wink.

Byleth facepalmed, thinking about how their last conversation had revolved entirely around  _ plumbing _ . “Iset, is your secret weapon a dagger to stab myself with?”

“Blue Lions!” Dimitri roared, “Seize their side of the field and put every mother’s son of them to the sword!”

“Hold on, hold on, that’s not how the game works,” said Alois, stepping onto the field and crossing his arms. “Time out!” He was instantly pelted unconscious by a stream of dodgeballs. 

“Come on, where’s that secret weapon?” asked Byleth, sweating.

Sothis smirked. “Her name is Bernadetta von Varley.”

Bernie had been hanging back from the battle so far, staying quiet and yelping when a ball came too close. Then she saw the front line break and the Blue Lions ravenously charge the field, hungry for blood. 

A ball came flying towards her, sheathed in lightning.

She caught it in one hand. “You’re out,” she whispered eerily, smoke rising from her palm. Her voice cut across the field, and the Blue Lions stopped. She swept back her bangs, glaring at the Blue Lions with fiery eyes. Sylvain walked off the field. He was Out.

Bernie raised the ball, still crackling with electricity. “For TRUE LOVE!” She hurled it with all her might and shot Dimitri dead center in the chest. He feel with a loud “oof!” and the ball bounced back into her hands. She fired again and again and again, her arms and the ball a blur that stretched across the sportsball pitch. When she caught the ball, its own momentum would make her spin, and she would use it to hurl the ball back. Every time its rubber body  _ pinged  _ another Blue Lion fell insensate until finally, only Dedue was standing. He braced himself to catch the ball—

And Bernadetta launched it into his chest so hard that it popped. Dedue was shot back ten feet, landing curled up on the center field, smoke rising from his chest. 

A moment of silence, then the Black Eagles cheered, those of them who were still conscious and could walk running up to Bernie and hoisting her up onto their shoulders. 

Across the field, Manuela growled and stomped off. 

“Am I having a stroke?” Byleth muttered. 

Sothis elbowed him hard. “Stop whining, we won! Everything’s fine!”

“It feels kinda sick to celebrate this massacre,” said Byleth. 

“At least the kids are happy,” said Sothis. She linked arms with him. “I want one.”

“Let’s stick with the dog idea,” said Byleth.

“I knew you’d come around,” she said with a smirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How the fuck did this fic get over 3000 hits  
I promised I would destroy the Blue Lions and it happened. They’re gone. It’s over.  
This chapter was way more whack and OOC than the previous ones but ehh, whatever, I can do what I want


	5. And They Were Roommates

The amount of sleep that Sothis required was shortening as time went by and her spirit grew stronger. She still needed to take the full weekend off, rather than work the whole six days. And she insisted that on those days, she spend the entire time asleep in Byleth’s bed. “You’ve never slept on a stone chair!” she snapped when confronted about it.

“Fine, whatever,” Byleth rolled his eyes.

Now and again though, Byleth would wake up with Sothis spooning him. She was a deep sleeper and surprisingly strong, so it would take him a lot of time and effort to dislodge her. 

“I should’ve told Edelgard you were a boa constrictor instead of a dog,” he snapped one day, throwing her back onto the mattress.

Sothis squirmed and spasmed as she woke up. She tended to wake up from the feet upward, a wave of kicking and twitching moving up her body until it reached her head. “How dare you,” she muttered, rubbing her eyes. “It’s your own fault for letting me have the bed on weekends anyway,” she yawned, then rolled over, dragging the blanket over herself. “I’m getting spoiled. Now come back to bed, you’re warm.”

Byleth facepalmed. “It’s Monday. Get up, we’ve got work.” He pulled her staff uniform out of his dresser and threw it at her. 

She scrambled into a sitting position, glaring down at her clothes. “Where’s my puppy?” 

“Tomorrow,” he said. 

“I’d sleep better with a puppy,” said Sothis.

“It’s not sleeping in the bed,” said Byleth. “And neither are you, anymore.”

“First of all, you’re a monster,” Sothis huffed. “Second of all, you literally can’t stop me.” 

Byleth looked over at the bottle of cognac Jeralt had given him to congratulate him on landing the professorial position. It was unopened and had a blue ribbon wrapped around its neck. He considered drinking it, but stopped himself because it was seven in the morning. “After class, we’re going shopping.”

Sothis pumped her fist and whooped in triumph.

Dorothea was sitting on a bench across the way from the classrooms with Bernadetta. She’d gotten an extra blintz from the cafeteria and had spent the last ten minutes convincing the other girl to split it with her (mostly assurances that it wasn’t poisoned). They were in the middle of enjoying the pastry when their professor and his TA walked by, engrossed in conversation. “What do you think their deal is?” Dorothea asked, dabbing at a bit of cream cheese on her lip with a handkerchief. “They seem so close, and go everywhere together. Manuela says they’re siblings, but apparently they’ve denied it.”

Bernadetta panicked and squeezed the blintz, getting cream cheese all over her face. Dorothea laughed. “Uhhh,” Bernie started. “Uhhhhhh…”

“I’m sorry for laughing,” said Dorothea, reaching over with her handkerchief and wiping her off. “There there, don’t be embarrassed.”

“I-it’s not that,” said Bernie, though her panicky id was wondering if she  _ should  _ be embarrassed. “It’s just that...well…” she crushed the rest of the pastry. “Promise me you won’t tell!”

Dorothea raised an eyebrow. “Won’t tell what?”

Byleth noticed that the eyes on him this class period were more intense, more scrutinizing. He would suddenly turn in the middle of class to see some startled faces at the back of the room. Guilty consciences. At least that’s what he would have thought if one of them hadn’t been Bernadetta, who would startle at the drop of a pin. The others were probably a coincidence. Besides, he trusted his students not to be doing anything  _ insidious,  _ so he let it slide for now, resolving only to say something if this continued. 

Once the bells chimed out the Fire Emblem Chorus (he had no idea why that common schoolyard song was called that), Byleth and Sothis headed straight for the marketplace in the village. As they passed through the monastery gates, Sothis linked her arm in his. She didn’t need the support anymore, but they were used to it. It felt weird not to. “Why aren’t we shopping here?” she asked, turning back to look at the stalls of the monastery’s smaller marketplace. “Not that I’m complaining. I was gonna browbeat you into taking me into town eventually.”

Byleth scoffed. “They don’t sell furniture here and there’s only one kennel. There’s a chance Edelgard would recognize the puppy if we bought it here.”

“Hmm,” Sothis muttered, tapping her chin. “Yeah, the princess is far too crafty for my tastes. Definitely not wife goals.”

Rolling his eyes, Byleth said, “I have absolutely no romantic interest in anyone at the academy—”

“And you’d be a lousy emperor anyway!” she added, throwing up her arms.

Byleth shot her a look. “—Unlike you and your boytoy  _ Cyrus _ .”

She punched him in the side. “Don’t you start with that again!” His face twitched. That hadn’t  _ hurt,  _ but her sharp little hands had  _ tickled. _ Fortunately, she didn’t notice the change.

First, they went to a kennel, finding it by the sound of baying pups. Sothis was instantly drawn to a brindled mongrel. Despite its obvious youth and pudgy puppy body, it was taller than her knees. “This is him,” she said, eyes watering. “This is Keroberos!” She patted his head and he snapped at her palm.

“That thing’s going to be the size of a pony when it’s older,” said Byleth. “What kind of dog is it?” He eyed the redheaded vendor, who shrugged.

“A little bit of shepherd,” she said. “A  _ lot  _ bit of pitbull. Probably some wolfhound.”

The dog looked up at them as they spoke, jaws slavering, and Byleth noticed its bright golden eyes. “By wolfhound, you mean  _ wolf, _ right?” asked Byleth.

“Yeah, there’s definitely a real wolf in there,” said the vendor.

“You’re selling untrained wolfdogs,” said Byleth, “at your store that families come to.” 

She put up her hands defensively. “Hey! Wolves were domesticated eventually! I bet you this bad boy becomes the best guard dog you’ve ever had.”

The giant puppy was mangling Sothis’s sleeve. “Byleth, I love him!” she said, her face a naked display of emotion. There were actual tears and he didn’t think they were crocodilian.

He sighed deeply and handed the vendor a coin pouch. She opened it and rifled through it. “I’ll also want you to transport him up to the monastery,” said Byleth. “He’s clearly unruly and we still have things to do in town before we go home, so I’d rather he not maul the furniture store owner.”

“Of course,” said the vendor with a polite bow. “But delivery is gonna cost a little bit more than—”

“The archbishop is my grandmother,” said Byleth, and she choked. 

“W-wait, seriously?” she stammered, taking a step back.

Byleth smirked. “Of course not. How old do you think she is? Just my little joke. Anyway, get Keroberos here to the monastery by the evening, huh?”

“Y-yeah,” said the vendor, who had completely forgotten what they were talking about earlier. 

Dedue felt two pairs of eyes staring a hole in his back. He took his time though. People liked to stare and jeer because of his Duscran heritage, and sometimes it had led to fights. He gently finished pruning the rosebush, then rose to his feet and slowly turned around, face stony, hands gripping his shears in order to defend himself if need be.

One of the girls yelped and jumped behind a planter. The other scoffed. “Bern, it’s okay, just come out!” She shook her head. “I’m sorry about her, Muscles. She just gets nervous around human beings.” 

“I see,” said Dedue, and Bernadetta yelped at the sound of his voice.

“Can you...maybe raise it an octave or two, just so it doesn’t...oh never mind it wouldn’t help,” Dorothea sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“He’s gonna get revenge on meeee!” Bernie quailed. “For that time I broke his sternum at dodgeball!”

“I am not going to seek revenge,” said Dedue. “All is fair in dodgeball and war.”

“I don’t think that’s how the saying goes,” said Dorothea. She cleared her throat. “So, you  _ are  _ Dedue then? I’m Dorothea Arnault, and my timid friend is Bernadetta von Varley.”

“A pleasure to make your acquaintance,” said Dedue, his flat tone indicating it was anything but. “Is there something I can help you with?”

Dorothea shot him a smile so bright it was blinding. “So, you live next to Professor Byleth, right?”

“Correct,” said Dedue.

“ _ And  _ Iset?” she asked.

“Correct,” said Dedue. “They live together.”

Bernadetta let out a loud gasp from behind the bush.

“Relax Bern, you already knew that,” said Dorothea.

“But...the confirmation!” she said, poking her head out of the bush.

Dorothea raised her hand, gently motioning for her to turn down, then went on. “So, there’s a rumor going around that they’re secretly married. Being their neighbor, you were able to confirm that they do indeed live together. It would be very inappropriate if they  _ weren’t  _ married. But do they...act like a couple?”

Dedue shrugged. “I’m not really sure how couples act. Though now and again, they walk arm in arm.”

Bernadetta shrieked, and Dorothea had to calm her down again. “For your future reference,” Dorothea said, “that is very  _ coupley _ .”

“Understood,” said Dedue. “There is a small complication, however.”

The girls raised their eyebrows in synchrony. “Oh? And what would that be?” asked Dorothea.

“When they arrived at Garreg Mach, Iset was very sickly,” said Dedue. Bernadetta gasped again, and Dorothea’s eyes widened.

“She could not walk without assistance,” he went on. “Both the professor and Sir Jeralt would help her walk around near the sauna, as an exercise I presume. So it could be that they are merely her caretakers.”

“Or,” said Dorothea, “they’re hiding their relationship because  _ Iset isn’t long for this world.” _

Bernadetta screamed.

Much like with the dog, sothis fell in love with the bed at first sight and immediately dived into it, rolling around this way and that. It was so big she could manage at least three full rotations no matter the direction.

The vendor chuckled. “Your—”

“Please,” Byleth interrupted, “before you finish that thought, I would thank you not to assume our relationship.”

The vendor laughed out loud. “Of course not sir. Your  _ companion  _ seems to like that one.” Another boisterous redheaded woman. Byleth wondered if they were some kind of merchant family.

“Sweetums~!” Sothis called, now laying on her stomach to face them. “I think this one’s perfect for us.”

“This one’s bigger than our entire dorm room,” said Byleth.

Sothis blew a raspberry. “Fine. Ma’am, what do you have in bunk beds?”

“We’re not getting a bunk bed either,” said Byleth. 

The vendor leaned in and whispered, “what  _ is  _ your relationship?” Byleth shot the woman a glare so hard she staggered.

Sothis meanwhile, had found a bunk bed with a steel frame that she was already hanging from by her legs. “Look! The bottom is a desk!” she said, tapping its surface.

“I already have a desk,” said Byleth.

She rolled her eyes at him. “I  _ know  _ that.  _ I  _ want a desk.”

He shot a look at the petrified vendor and spoke in a hollow voice, “you’ll give us a fair price, _ right? _ ”

“We have to keep this a secret,” said Bernadetta, staring at her reflection in the fishing pond. “Dedue won’t tell, right? He doesn’t seem like a gossip, right?” 

Dedue’s reflection appeared in the water next to hers. “I am not,” he said, and Bernie yelped, almost falling into the water, only to be caught by his giant hand.

Dorothea stifled a giggle. “Well, of course we won’t tell anyone. Wait, scratch that, I  _ have  _ to tell Ingrid.”

Bernadetta gasped. “Noooo! We can’t tell anyone! A secret’s only secret if no one knows the secret!” Her face went blank. “Oh goddess, you’ll have to eliminate me…”

Dorothea held out her hands defensively. “Slow down Bernie, it’s not even that big of a deal! Just a juicy bit of gossip.” she rubbed her lip. “Well, I admit, it would really suck if Iset’s business got out. They’re probably keeping it quiet because she doesn’t want anyone to treat her differently…” she sighed. “Alright, I won’t tell anyone!” She put her hands on her hips, determined to keep it all to herself. 

A fish leapt in the point. Three heads turned to look—

And found Alois standing there, mouth agape, a poor fish stuck on his hook. He was too stunned to reel it in.

“Alois, I’m begging you—”

“DAMMIT BERNIE YOU’RE SO STUPID—”

“It would be better for everyone if—”

“Please, do  _ not tell anyone— _ ”

“WHY WOULD YOU TALK ABOUT THIS AT THE—”

“You did not discuss anything you’ve heard—”

“I mean, what were we even talking about? Who knows, it’s not important—”

“FISHING POND YOU’RE SO DUMB YOU  _ DESERVE  _ TO BE THE ONE WHO GETS ELIMINATED TO KEEP THE SECRET!”

Alois put up his arms defensively as he backed up from the frantic students and Dedue, barely noticing that he dropped his fishing pole. “Listen, guys, guys! Of course I won’t tell anyone!” He promised.

Byleth had wanted to go right home. “Oh come on,” Sothis whined, “when else are we gonna go into town?”

“Literally whenever we want,” said Byleth.

“Or, we can try out one of these restaurant things,” said Sothis, choosing one at random.

“If you’re hungry we can just go to the dining hall,” said Byleth.

Sothis looked offended. “I bet you they have stuff they don’t have at the dining hall!”

“Such as?” Byleth crossed his arms, looking down his nose at her.

She glared up at him. “That won’t work on me you tall bastard,” she snapped. 

Byleth groaned. “Ugh, this doesn’t matter even slightly. Fine, we’ll check out the restaurant.”

She beamed, and dragged him off inside by the arm.

After swearing Alois to secrecy, the girls walked Dedue back to his room. “I assure you it isn’t necessary,” he said. “I will not tell anyone except for my lord.”

Bernie choked. “You’re gonna tell Prince Dimitri? We’re gonna share a secret with royalty? Does that make it a state secret?  _ Are we committing  _ ** _treason_ ** _ , Dorothea?!” _

Dorothea rubbed her shoulders and shushed her until she calmed down. “Does His Highness really...need to know?” she asked.

“I suppose not,” Dedue rumbled. “Very well. I won’t tell him...unless he asks. Or if it becomes vital to his survival.”

Bernadetta yelped. “Hush,” said Dorothea. “Those are highly unlikely scenarios, so it’ll have to be good enough.”

“Indeed,” said Dedue with a slight nod. “It was nice speaking with you both. Now if you’ll excuse me—”

A small wagon pulled up in front of the dorms, containing a transport kennel and a disassembled bed frame. The driver and a hired hand dismounted (both redheaded women) and gave the students a polite wave, before the driver opened Byleth’s door with a key. The two began the task of dragging the stuff inside.

“Is that…” Dorothea muttered, “a new bed?”

“Is it a  _ marriage _ bed?” asked Bernie.

“Unlikely,” whispered Dedue. “It looks to be the same width as the school beds.”

“If they’re married, why do they need separate beds?” Bernie's voice was cracking. “Oh no, are they going through a rough patch?” Her eyes were watering. She was invested in their love, dammit!

Dorothea chuckled, wagging her finger. “No, no. I know  _ exactly  _ what's going on here.  _ I love Lucy.” _

The other two stared at her. “What?” asked Bernie.

Chuckling again, Dorothea explained. “It’s the name of a pantomime, a sort of child friendly opera. We did those during the day in the summers and around the holidays at the Mittlefrank Opera House. For family entertainment, you see. The owner of the opera company didn’t want to expose little children who might be watching to certain adult themes. He was actually a bit of a prude about it. So our depiction of  _ I Love Lucy,  _ a comedy about a married couple, was sort of notorious for depicting their bedroom as having two seperate beds.” She put her hands on her hips, fully confident of her deduction. “So the professor and Iset got separate beds to keep lewd thoughts out of our poor innocent heads. But rest assured, I bet you they’re going to bump those beds together tonight.”

Bernadetta gasped.

“That seems like a lot of effort,” said Dedue.

“Maybe, but those two are drama queens,” said Dorothea. “I’m  _ sure  _ I’m right.”

“What are you lot talking about?” said Edelgard. Bernadetta screamed.

The interior of the restaurant had a charming decor, with whitewashed walls and dark timbers, on which were hung dozens of pretty china plates depicting elegantly painted frollicking kittens. There were little heart shaped holes above the windows and on the shutters, which were painted dark pink. The tables were all small, no doubt intended for two, and made of white wicker. The chairs were the same make, and each had a big, carefully woven heart shaped hole in the back.

“Let’s check out that hat store,” said Byleth, spinning on his heel.

“Heeeey professor!” said Sylvain, waving from a table by the door. There was a pretty village girl sitting across from him, who waved shyly.

“He’s lying to you, girl,” Sothis said in a stage whisper. The villager blinked.

Sylvain laughed. “Hah, TA’s such a jokester.”

“We’re not eating here,” said Byleth. “Enjoy your date.”

“What do you recommend, Mr. Gautier?” said Sothis, who had already sat down at a table and was skimming the menu.

“I like the panini,” said Sylvain. “It has a delicate flavor, perfect for a delicate girl like—”

“Gimme eighteen of those bad boys,” Sothis said to a passing waitress (another redhead). “And the stuffed crepe for dessert. What are you gonna have Byleth?”

Sylvain chuckled. “Looks like your date’s gonna drain your wallet, Professor.”

“Detention,” said Byleth.

Sylvain crossed his arms, looking confused. “I’m not in your class.”

“Would you like to join, starting now?” Sothis was suddenly right up against Sylvain, clutching his arm and batting her eyelashes.

Sylvain blushed. “Ah...haha...sure why not?”

“Detention,” said Byleth.

Sylvain facepalmed. “Okay, uhh—”

The village girl had been sitting there quietly, mulling things over ever since Sothis’s firstcomment, but that display of weak will was the last straw. She slapped him across the face and left the restaurant.

Sylvain stood up, reaching for her. “Babe, wait—”

Byleth grabbed his shoulder and pushed him back into his seat. “I’m suddenly hungry,” he said, sitting down across from Sylvain.

Sothis brought over a chair, and Byleth steepled his fingers. “Let’s discuss your new curriculum over dinner.”

Bernadetta choked under Edelgard’s gaze. “We’re d-definitely not t-talking about treason, your highness!”

Edelgard narrowed her eyes.

Dorothea elbowed Bernie to keep cool. “Well, we’re  _ not  _ actually talking about treason.” 

“If I may,” Dedue interjected. “We’re merely gossiping idly about things that are unimportant and matter little to anyone.” Despite being true, his tone was so deadpan that Edelgard was immediately suspicious, thinking she’d caught him in a lie.

None of that mattered when she heard the barking. “Puppy!” she cried, turning to go to the carriage. One of the redheaded laborers accidentally opened the kennel. Wasting no time, Keroberos jumped out and started mauling her.

Edelgard leapt onto the feral pup and tackled him into a hug. “You’re just as adorable as I imagined!” she squealed as Keroberos snapped at her ear. 

Her fellow students looked on in horror as she, little by little, managed to tame the savage beast with pats and tickles, until, after five minutes, the hellhound was resting across her lap, lolling his tongue and wagging his tail while the imperial princess cooed and stroked his back.

Dorothea coughed. “A-as long as it’s not eating her, right Bern?”

Bernie didn’t respond; she was too deep in shock.

“I need to catch up on my homework,” said Dedue. “This has been quite enough excitement—oh, hello, your highness.” He stood straighter and saluted as Dimitri walked into the scene.

“Stop being so formal,” said Dimitri. “I see you’ve made new friends, good.” He inclined his head to each of the girls. “Hello Bernadetta, Dorothea.”

“H-hello y-your h-highness—” Bernie stammered out. This day was taking its toll.

“No no, please, call me Dimitri,” he insisted. 

“H-h-h-hellooooo,” Bernadetta started, but could not finish.

“Hello Dimitri,” Dorothea chimed in.

“Hello Dorothea.”

“Hello Dimitri.”

“Hello Dedue.”

“Hello Dima.”

“Hello El.”

Dimitri and Edelgard looked at each other. A cold wind blew. The moment stretched out forever.

Edelgard cleared her throat. “I can explain—”

“You guys have  _ fucking  _ pet names for each other?” Dorothea shouted.

Edelgard leapt to her feet, cheeks red. “This is a state secret!” Keroberos started howling.

Dedue pushed past the girls to clap Dimitri on the back, as he had started choking on his own spit.

“Oh my god we did commit treason,” Bernadetta muttered, then passed out on the floor.

“Screw the professor’s secret marriage, this is the gossip of the decade!” Dorothea shouted.

Ashe opened his door, peeking outside. “Wait, the professor’s married?”

Byleth and Sothis walked back to the school arm in arm. She was wearing a new hat and both were holding a stuffed crepe. It was sunset, and the world all around was red and gold. “What a lovely day,” said Sothis, suppressing a yawn.

“You’re already exhausted,” said Byleth. “Next time we go out, we’ll do it on the weekend so you don’t burn so much energy.”

“Aww, you care about me,” she elbowed him. 

“They’ve probably finished assembling your bed,” said Byleth, ignoring her.

She rolled her eyes and took a bite of her crepe. “Oh wow, this iced cream stuff is so good actually! How do they get it so cold?”

“Magic,” said Byleth. “And salt.”

“It doesn’t taste salty,” she said around a mouthful of cream.

“Adding salt to ice makes it colder,” said Byleth. “They cast an ice spell then salt it so the magical ice doesn’t dissolve instantly. Then they set a pot of milk on top and stir sugar and flavoring into it as it freezes.”

Sothis gasped. “You know how to make the stuff?!” she grabbed his lapel, smearing it with ice cream. “We have to try it sometime—”

He put his hand on her head and turned her around. They had reached the dorm, and a crowd of students was standing outside their doorway, staring at them intently. Also Alois was there for some reason.

Byleth cleared his throat, wiping the ice cream off his lapel. He drew himself up to his full height and glared.  _ “Is something the matter?” _

He noticed that Bernadetta passed out.

A second later, Edelgard coughed. “I met your dog, professor. He is a very good boy.”

Byleth nodded. “Of course.” 

“And, um,” Dorothea muttered, twiddling her fingers. “Your bed arrived.”

“Thank you, Dorothea,” said Byleth. “As for everyone else, you seem to have no reason to be here, so get lost.”

Caspar jumped to the front of the crowd. “WAIT PROFESSOR IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’RE ISET’S LIVE-IN NURSE—”

“ _ Detention _ ,” said Byleth with a sharp point. Caspar fell to the ground as if he’d been stabbed. “If anyone else has a stupid question, you can save it for class tomorrow.”

The crowd dispersed. Dorothea employed Petra’s help in picking up Bernadetta, leaving only Caspar, and surprisingly(?), Linhardt lying on the ground.

“Teens are savages,” said Byleth, stepping over them. Sothis let out a hearty guffaw, and didn’t stop laughing for quite a while.

Sothis watched the stars slowly emerge from the comfort of her new bunk bed. She yawned. “I feel like a kid, needing to sleep as soon as the sun sets.” She rubbed Keroberos’s head. He was curled up beside her, asleep. She decided to call him Kero for short.

Byleth grunted. “You have a condition. At least that’s how we’re going to explain things to the students now that they’re spreading rumors.” He was sitting just below her, grading some papers at her desk.

“Yeah yeah,” she said, yawning again. Kero growled in his sleep. “I used up a lot of charges on that trip; I hope I don’t wake up on the chair.”

“Take the day off tomorrow,” said Byleth. “You can mess around in my head to build up a charge for sleeping.”

Sothis sniffled. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever told me.”

Byleth was about to fire back with a quip, and it would’ve been great, but just then Jeralt burst through the door. “Y-you and Sothis got married?” he shouted. “You need to tell me the important things in your life!”

Byleth narrowed his eyes. His glare never worked on Jeralt, so the older man was unmoved. But today, Byleth gave him a slight grin, and that unnerved his father. “Well you see,” he began, “I was just  _ waiting for the right time.” _

Sothis cackled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dog looks like a D&D hellhound but brindled instead of leathery. And it probably can’t breathe fire either. 
> 
> Some of the oldest jokes that I had for this story are in this chapter so wooo I finally got to use them.
> 
> As a friend of mine put things: Byleth probably has a low libido because there’s no way he can perform with Statler and Waldorf fused into a little girl who lives inside his head.
> 
> I’m probably the only person in the world who does but I ship Dimitir/Edelgard and when I found out that Dima is a nickname for Dimitri I knew I could force my bullshit into this fic (that is already full of bullshit I am forcing on you so whatever)


End file.
